Blech

Well, my hubby left for another round of training tonight. This one is a leadership course. Why they have to start it in the middle of the night is beyond me. Of course he left everything until the last minute, which means I had a ton to do, while he took a nap. It took me 2 hours to wake him up, so he ended up with only an hour to do everything before he left.

It was not a fun night and I'm really hurt. I know he loves me, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a gopher to him. "Honey, I need this done," or "honey, can you pick this up". We spent ZERO time together tonight and I barely got a kiss goodbye. I know that if I had just sucked up my hurt, I'd have gotten a hug, but I just couldn't do it. I called him right after he left, hoping that he'd turn around and just hug me, but nope, he was mad, I said "nevermind" and he hung up.

Blech.

He just called because he can't find something. I'm proud of myself for holding my tongue and telling him that if he'd not left things until the last possible second, he'd have everything. He's probably going to be in a bit of trouble for this, but what he's missing isn't here, so I can't help - which, of course, I would. I don't mind doing things for him. I feel like it is part of my job as his wife to help him get ready for things, even something minor like making his lunch. He's super appreciative of the mundane things. But, it's these different things ... field time, forgotten things, etc. I know that it's because he's stressed, but it's very frustrating to me to feel like this.

I needed to vent and there really isn't an outlet for me here, but this has helped. We'll sit down to talk when he comes home, but now I can put this behind me and let it go. I have an amazing family and I know that he loves me and doesn't mean to treat me like this. So, we'll talk about it. He's good about compromising and making changes when we talk and he hears how I feel.

Thanks blogger for being my outlet.

Juno ... I think I love you!

Okay, I very rarely LOVE movies. Often I really like movies.

I love Juno. Love it. Will probably buy it. Will probably watch it many times.

I started writing this near the beginning of the movie. Because I more than really liked it. I was cracking up, relating, laughing, loving. And now the movie is at an end and I'm laughing and sobbing.

I have, in many ways, been in the position of Vanessa. I've been in a not-so-great marriage, so desperately wanting a baby that I've ignored the awfulness of every thing else. And, I've been in the position to finally hold my child. MY child. He wasn't born in my body, but he is and always will be mine. I know that ache that stays an ache when arms are finally filled. And, I know that question, "how do I look" which is always, "is he really mine". This feeling that one year later it still makes me cry. No, not cry, it makes me cry so hard that I can hardly see and makes my throat hurt. This feeling where I am forced to draw my evening to a close because all I can think about is crawling into bed so that he can curl into me, placing his sweet hand up to my face and softly say, "mama" before he falls back to sleep.

Thank you Juno for such a beautiful portrayal of the adoption process in all of it's awful and wonderful glory. How nice would it be for all birthmoms to have such a remarkable process. I know that the process; the triad, is not always so happy and doesn't always have such a ... I don't want to say nice, that feels like it's negating all of the emotions and hurt that comes along for the ride with adoption. Not nice, but proud ending. Being in a closed adoption, I don't even know what ours is. I just know that our lives have been blessed, enriched, filled with joy.

Watching it from the birth mother's perspective and seeing, from the outside, the joy of the adoptive mother, makes me wish I could carry that joy within me. Not for myself, but to give that to another woman. Which is a very novel feeling for me. How beautiful it is to become a mother when you believe you'll never achieve that. And, how beautiful it is to share that, become that, with the help of another woman. We have the most amazing gift, given to us by a woman who doesn't even know us. Humbling.

Bridezillas ... are you serious?

So, very rarely do I take time to sit in front of the tv. But, tonight I felt the need to sit the laptop on my lap and surf while I had the tv on and relax. I happened to flip on the show Bridezilla's on WE. I've seen bits of it before and usually I think it's pretty comical if a little uncomfortable. But, tonight's was beyond uncomfortable.

Seriously, I'm not a skinny girl. But, I'm aware of that lol This woman, if she can be called that, was a heifer and she was sitting there ragging on her fiance telling him not only that he was fat, but that he embarrassed her. She, I'm not kidding, ordered him to this bootcamp at 5:30a and while she ordered him around, she inhaled donuts. Gross.

Why do these men put up with women like this? Yes, a wedding can be stressful, but the attitudes and actions of these brides is beyond that stress.

Why does it seem that so many people easily forget, or never realize maybe, that a wedding is not about one day that you've dreamed about. It's about celebrating love and the commitment to someone. It's about the beginning of a new chapter. I have to say that I'm glad in some ways that I was married before so that I had the "wedding" and that this time I had the celebration of love.

Autism

(Reposted from my other blog)

I have a big desire to be socially active and aware. At the same time, I'm barely able to keep up with dishes much less figure out what's going on in the world! But, I've found a petition for a cause that has come to mean a lot to me over the past year or so. There is a group of women that I've met during our adoption who were also adopting. One of them has a very sweet son who is Autism. I've decided that the best is to simply allow her words to speak.


From Tara:

Many of us mom's with kids on the spectrum feel that there is a link between the onset of symptoms and the enormous amounts of vaccines that our kids receive often at one appointment and when the conditions to vaccinate (not sick, not on meds, etc) are not favorable.

Right now, the government (lower case g because that's how I feel about them) has set the statute of limitations at 3 years from symptoms to file a law suit in what they call "vaccine court".

We missed the deadline and so have millions of other mom's and dad's. We missed it because we were told that we would never "win" and honestly we were too focused on getting our son the BEST therapy that we could during the critical early intervention years.

I beg you, I plead with you to PLEASE sign the petition to extend the statute of limitations. Whether you agree or not, we need more time because the science is JUST now coming out (The Hannah Polling case) and former CDC members (Bernadine Healy) are saying that there very well could be a link and we aren't just a bunch of kooky parents.

I appreciate you helping me fight the good fight!!!

Peace!

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/vaccjust/

Army Wives

I started watching the Lifetime show Army Wives halfway through the first season. B was deployed to Iraq at the time and while I found some of it fairly far fetched, I fell in love with it. I ended that last season sobbing and it would seem that I begin this second season in the same state.
I was watching tonight and found that I was getting a little angry. I couldn't figure it out at first, but then I realized. This isn't how it is. Most people know that the General's wife isn't buddies with the Private's wife, but it was more than that. For three years I've been here. An Army wife. Maybe I'm the weird one; the outcast. But, I don't feel like an outcast. I don't feel like the type of person who is completely unable to make friends. I've never been the super sociable one, but I have always had two or three extremely close friends and several more that I would consider good friends.

For the last three years I've had a few people who were briefly somewhere above acquaintance, but below friend. It has been a difficult existence.

So, I understand now why the show was making me angry. These women who not only were friends, but truly cared for each other. So ... angry. But, as I watched, I realized that maybe some things were fairly unrealistic, but a lot of the feelings and reactions to situations were very real; at least to me. Roxy, one of the "wives" I really relate to, is a new wife and her husband deployed at the end of last season. She begins this season waiting to hear from him to know he's reached Iraq safe. She waits and waits. Frustrated, scared, angry. I get her.

I wish she lived here ... I'd like to have her as a friend.

Memoirs ... the beginning

Who needs two blogs?! Me? I don't know. But, it seemed that my own thoughts were clashing profoundly with my family pictures and stories. Maybe there's a slight case of ego *gasp* ... me thinking anyone actually wants to hear my inner thoughts, but far, far beyond that (no, really, I promise!) is the fact that over the past couple of weeks I've found my blogging and journaling to actually restore me. Hubby is working late for something stupid ... again ... and I'm not feeling the urge to kill someone.

I'm thinking that is a good thing.

Is this just going to be serious? No, I doubt that, despite the fact that I can have diarrhea of the ... what would it be? Fingers? God that's gross.

Anyway, I might talk about a movie I've seen or a tv show; maybe a website or a news item; possibly a political rant or maybe even a critique of our military *double gasp*

So, grab a coffee ... or a margarita ... and sit back for, what I hope, is an enjoyable read!